It's very sleepy in here.....

Mathilde is taking a much needed rest in the bay window. She was so tired she couldn't clear the boxed scratcher. She had to lay on the lid.

This is as about as tired as Nort gets. She doesn't usually sit still for longer than two minutes and there is usually a cat nip toy underneath her. (Nort Report: Nort has discovered how to kick ass and take names. If it is her idea to cuddle up with me or one of the other kitties then...fine. But if it isn't her idea then you'd better be wearing your suit of armor because you are going to get a growl and a swat and a hiss.)


Lorenzo is simply exhausted. He and the girls had a very busy day. I wish I had a picture of him wearing his hard hat.



And Ashleigh is probably the most fatigued of them all. What, with supervising such a huge undertaking can anyone blame her? A decorator's work is never done!

The escape hatch is almost finished! Now if they didn't have to do all of this work while dangling from a curtain it would probably go much quicker. (In case you can't tell what this is...it is a destroyed ceiling tile in the "pop-out" portion of my mobile home. Ashleigh and the kittens climbed up the curtains and clawed, chewed and did what ever they could to destroy it.) Ashleigh has an unquenchable need to be outside and when she can't escape through the front door or through a screened in window she has to take drastic measures. Sadly for her...there is no way out through the ceiling so all of this work was for naught.

I should have known something was up.....

The other day I was busy sleeping in...enjoying the peace and quiet that is rarely found in my house. I felt a kitty jump up on to the bed and I assumed that it was the Lorenzo T2000 alarm clock getting ready to announce that feeding time had long passed and everyone had expired from lack of sustenance.

I pretended I was asleep which was really stupid because that never fools or concerns Lorenzo. If I feign sleep he will paw at me relentlessly and if push comes to shove he is not above going under the covers and biting me. Yoda says, "Subtle, he is not."

I waited for the squalling or pawing to start but it remained quiet. I was going to go back to sleep until I realized that the kitty was laying on top of me. This is a very rare occurrence. My fab 5 have each other to keep them company so they don't particularly cling to me. 4 of them sleep on my bed but they demand their own space and boy do I hear about it if I infiltrate their designated area. (Elijah is too afraid of Lorenzo to sleep on the bed with the rest of us. Lorenzo bullies him and he runs and hides. Elijah has simply cut out the middle man and doesn't ever come into my room any more.)

I peeked out of squinted eyes and was shocked beyond belief to see that it was Ashleigh laying on my chest. "Good morning, Ashey...to what do I owe this pleasure?", I said.

She flattened herself out and started to purr. "Oh, Mommy, I just love you so much. Let's just stay here and cuddle all day, k?", she said. "Well," I said, "we can stay here for a little while but not all day. Ya know, the only other time in your whole entire life that you ever came over and sat with me was when you were in labor the first time you had a litter of kittens. I know you aren't in labor this morning so ...what's up?"

Purr.

Purr.

Purr.

"Ok, Ash..we'll just snooze for a little while."

Just as I was dozing off Lorenzo came bounding in to the room. He always makes an entrance like "Kramer" on "Seinfeld." "MOM, MOM, MOM, MOM!!! WAKE UP! TIMMY'S IN THE WELL. GET UP. YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS. MOM! MOM! EMERGENCY. EMERGENCY. DANGER WILL ROBINSON. DANGER!"

I tried to ask Lorenzo what was going on but he wouldn't shut up. "MOM! GET UP! MAY CONTAIN NUTS! DON'T OPERATE HEAVY MACHINERY! HIGHLY FLAMMABLE! MOOOOOOOOM! PLEASE CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR! GET. UP!!

Nothing I said could convince Lorenzo that he was not starving to death nor was there a monster in the living room. He kept going on and on..."MoTHER! GET UP! EMPLOYEES MUST WASH THEIR HANDS! ARE YOU GETTING UP! MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS! DO I NEED TO DRAW YOU A PICTURE? MAY RESULT IN SERIOUS INJURY OR DEATH."

I decided that I needed to get up and feed this poor starving, growing boy but as I tried to have Ashleigh slide off of my chest she wouldn't budge. All of a sudden she weighed 50 lbs and she was not going to relinquish her perch. "Mom", Ashleigh said, ever so sweetly, "I thought we were going to cuddle all day?"

At this point it dawned on me that I was being conned by Ashleigh and Lorenzo was tattling on her. I physically removed Ashleigh from my chest and she scrambled right back up there before I could even sit up. She hunkered down making herself as big and flat as possible, looking me in the eyes with her cute little winky, blinky, kitty face. I figured that whatever malfeasance that had taken place could wait until Ashleigh was ready to get up. (Quite frankly most of Lorenzo's emergencies are of the gastronomic genre and I can assure you he has never missed a meal in his life so I thought it would be ok to just enjoy Ashleigh's company for a little while longer.)

Lorenzo sat down in a huff and Ashleigh started to purr. I was just drifting off when I felt a whisker tickle my cheek...

just...

before..

Lorenzo...

bit..me.

I bolted upright and Ashleigh flew off the bed. He didn't bite me hard enough to break the skin but he bit me hard enough that I realized he meant business. Lorenzo had made his point and I got up made my way in to the kitchen. I opened a can of food and put it in the bowl and invited Lorenzo to knock himself out. I was going to go inspect my wound when out of the corner of my eye I saw this:

Apparently Ashleigh had been very busy during my sleeping hours and this was the result. She had managed to pull out one of my ceiling tiles. Is this pretty or what? You can also see that the curtain rod is missing. I'm guessing that she climbed up the curtain and hung on to the curtain rod while she finessed the ceiling tile out of it's groove. The curtain rod was bent beyond repair and the ceiling tile was all but packing peanuts scattered all over my carpet.

"OMG, LoRENZO, YOU ARE SUCH A TATTLE TALE. STOP DOING THE HAPPY DANCE!"

Stay tuned for part 2.

Repentance

SHHH! Be very quiet for a minute. I've been sitting here in this box lid for a while thinkin' about our redecorating event yesterday. I am so sad that mom didn't like what we had done to the drinking fountain, but it was really for the good of Elijah. He falls in and bumps his head and then he has to run around the house and get everything wet. And also poor Willow is too little to be able to jump up on to the sink and the bridge just made it so much easier on the little guy. But I guess we really should have talked to mom before we rearranged things. I really want mom to forgive me but she's pretty angry. I'll just saunter over to the couch and try to make up with her. This is her quiet time so she shouldn't have too much on her mind right now.



MAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMA? ARE YOU AWAKE!!! MAMAMAMAMA! HEY ARE YOU AWAKE? YOU LOOK LIKE YOU WERE SLEEPING. ARE YOU AWAKE? MOM? MAMA?
MOMMY? HI! WAKE UP FOR A MINUTE, I NEED TO TALK TO YOU. SIT UP, K?



I LOVE YOU MOM. I WILL WASH YOUR HAIR TO SHOW YOU HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU. HOW ABOUT A HEAD MASSAGE, TOO? I'M SORRY WE MADE YOU MAD YESTERDAY. WILL YOU EVER FORGIVE ME?



It's ok, Buddy. I forgive you.

They should have run this by Martha Stewart first...

Last night I had dinner with my good friend, Yumi. For my birthday she took me out for sushi and then we had drinks at the Cheesecake Factory. It was a fun evening and I was in a wonderful mood when I got home. As I've explained before usually when I get home Lorenzo is sitting right in the doorway yowling his head off, demanding to be fed while he and his minions gather at my feet and try their best to trip me as I make my way to the kitchen. However when I walked in the door last night no one greeted me. I panicked. This phenomenon only happens when they've escaped. I dropped my purse and jacket on the floor and quickly turned on the light and much to my relief all four kitties were in the room waking up because of the light in their eyes. None of them got up and they were acting so lax that I was afraid they were all sick. I asked them what was up and of course Lorenzo was the first one to speak up and this is what I can remember of the conversation:

Me: "What's up with you guys? Are you sick?"

Lorenzo: "Weeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrre tiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeedddddddddd."

Me: "Why are you so tiiiiiiirrrrrrreeeeeeeed?"

Lorenzo: "We were really busy today."

Me: "Ok, well wake up and stop whispering and tell me what you did that made you so tired?

Lorenzo: "YAWN. Ok...I'm awake now."

Me: "Good, so what's up?"

Lorenzo: "Well, Ashleigh had a terrific idea today and it took us a couple of hours to bring it to fruition."

Me: "Fruition?"

Lorenzo: "Yes. Fruition. I've been doing crossword puzzles with the boy. We are expanding our vocab."

Me: "What did you bring to fruition, pray tell?"

(Ashleigh enters the conversation)
Ashleigh: "You know how Willow is too little to be able to jump up to the counter in the bathroom and you know how Elijah tends to fall in to that gigantic water fountain when he's getting a drink?"

Me:"That 'water fountain' is a toilet.

Ashleigh: "Tomato/tomahto."

Me: "Ok, so where is this going?"

Ashleigh: "C'mon and look. I can't wait to show you what we've done!"


Ashleigh: "See, what I've done here is lay down a little bit of carpeting so that we don't have to put our feeties on the cold floor when we come in here to use the drinking fountain. Secondly, I've pulled this bridge down from the wall so that Willow can just hop up on it and walk straight over to the sink counter, and then voila...he can look out the window with the rest of us. But what I'm most excited about, and what took us the longest to accomplish is this:"


Ashleigh: YOU SEE WHAT I DID HERE? Now when Elijah is using the drinking fountain he can't fall in, but if he does then he won't bump his head because we put a towel in there. We really had to look through all of the towels before we found the newest most fluffiest towel. We figured that would give Elijah the most protection if he falls in again. IS THIS COOL OR WHAT?"

Me: "I know you worked really hard on this project but I'm sorry to say that I can see a few flaws in your finished product."

Lorenzo: "We knew you were going to say that. We had a discussion and we voted and it was decided that since this is where you like to sit...we'd scoot over and make room for you on the chair in the other room. We're sure there is enough room for everyone! And besides, we don't like it when you sit on our water fountain."

Me: "That is a very well thought out and generous plan but I just don't think it will work. Sorry you went to all this hard work."

Lorenzo: "Tsk, Oh Man!"

Ashleigh whispers to Lorenzo:"Go tell the kids ixnay on the indoway ojectpray..."

The Kitten Relocation Program Commences

When I woke up this morning I heard Ashleigh rummaging through my closet. This is not unusual as she used to do this all the time. Her goal was usually to climb up my garment bag, that houses my fancy dresses, and then spelunk up to the top shelf. Then she likes to see how many things she can knock off of the shelf. She hasn't done this in a while. At first I tried keeping my closet door closed but since it's a slider she has no problem opening it. Then I resorted to keeping my bedroom door closed only letting them in the bedroom at night so they can sleep with me. As Ashleigh grew more and more pregnant she stopped hanging out in the closet. So, this morning I shoo'd her out and went ahead and got in to the shower. When I got out Lorenzo was trying to tell me something and the last time I ignored him he and Ashleigh went awol through an open window. I discovered that he was trying to tattle on Ashleigh and the Kitten Relocation Program she was instituting. I caught her as she was trying to move one of the kittens to better digs. I walked out of the bathroom just in time to see that she had moved the kitten from the dining room and had dropped it in the middle of the hallway. Then she went back toward the dining room toward her box. I don’t know if she was going to put all of them on the floor in the hall and then go on to start phase two and put them in the closet or if she was trying to feign ignorance and wanted me to think that she had no idea how that one kitten wound up in the middle of the hallway. So I put Jr. back in the box, told Ashleigh that this was where we were raising kittens, then resumed getting ready for work. Moments later I could hear a kitten squalling again. I was in my room, ironing, with the door open. Then I heard Andrew say, “Ashleigh!”, so I ran over and closed my bedroom door. I have to give him credit for waking up in the 6:00 hour when he heard the baby crying. I asked Andrew to put her box in the living room closet and just leave the door slightly ajar. I hope this meets with her obviously high standards for housing. I was going to take a picture of the turn of events but figured my main priority was to get the baby back into the box before it got too cold.

Accessorize, Accessorize, Accessorize!

I can't believe Mama finally got with the program and got me some accessories. Look at my beautiful new necklace!


The necklace is pink and the charm is pink...coordinating your jewelry is very important. Here's a view from the side...


Sigh, do you think Mama will take me to a Cookie Lee jewelry party?
(Doesn't my profile look just like I should be in the same family as John Barrymore?) Do you like how I've customized the curtains? I'm all about home decorating.

NEENER, NEENER!

HEY, ASHEY...I HAVE BLUE EYES JUST LIKE MAMA AND YOU-U-U-U DOE-O-O-ON'T.

MAMA!!! LORENZO IS STICKING HIS TONGUE OUT AT ME!!!!

TAKE IT BACK LOREN-ZO!

I WILL NOT TAKE IT BACK ASH-LEIGH!

ASH-EY!! I'M GOING TO BLOW RASPBERRIES ON YOUR STUPID GREY BELLY!

HIDING BEHIND A SEE THROUGH CURTAIN IS NOT GOING TO HELP YOU, DORK-LEIGH!

THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK RENZO-HEAD. YOU CAN'T SEE ME!

I'M GOING TO BITE YOUR TAIL OFF AND WEAR IT AS A STOLE.

(Voice from the next room...) Don't make me come in there! And my curtains had better not be snagged!

DON'T WORRY MAMA, WE'RE BEING GOOD. LORENZOLETGOOFMYTAILRIGHTNOW!


I'M BEING A GOOD BOY, MAMA, JUST LIKE ALWAYS...

This is what I see

This Sunday I was suffering from lack of breathing ability due to a cold or allergies or the scurvy...who knows, and apparently I wasn't providing enough fun and stimulation for the terrorists so as usual they were forced to entertain each other.

They love to look out of the window so I put a bar stool in front of the front door window and they fight over who's going to sit on it. Occasionally they share the stool but usually Ashleigh insists that there is only room for one kitty butt.
I dozed off while watching television and I was awakened to the sound of scratching. It was very syncopated scratching, not the usual rat-a-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat sound ones equates with cats scratching. I sat up and looked around and saw Ashleigh dangling from the front door screen by the nails on one paw and thrashing at the screen with the other. I jumped up and rescued her and was feeling so sad for this poor little kitty who had probably pulled her leg out of the socket. Who knows how long she had been hanging there. Once I got her unstuck and tried to cuddle and comfort her she jumped out of my arms and climbed back on to the stool and resumed digging at the screen. That little weasel had ripped the screen and apparently was not finished when I interrupted her. I took her off of the stool and I closed the window. If she wanted to sit on the stool and look out the window that would be fine but she would no longer get to feel the sea breeze in her whiskers.

Since my cats have no toys of which to speak Ashleigh turned her attentions to her ongoing remodeling of the window treatments in the living room and bedroom. Renzo was not impressed so he had to run around the house squalling his head off. When he squalls he sounds very much like a peacock and I swear it sounds like he's trying to say, "Mama". I have yet to figure out what all of his squalls mean, and there are times when I don't think he knows what they mean either. He squalls when I leave the room, he squalls when he finds me, he squalls when he wants canned food, he squalls when he needs to go potty, he squalls after he goes potty, he squalls when he can't find Ashleigh, he squalls when he finds Ashleigh, he squalls when he wants to get in to the shower with me, he squalls when he gets wet in the shower, he squalls if his dry food dish is empty, he squalls when I fill it up. I should have named him Paul.

After Ashleigh was finished with her work on the big windows she changed locations and tried to leap from the arm of the couch to the divider wall jamb. It took her a couple of tries but she was finally able to jump with enough force to be able to dig her ample nails in to the wall and then just hang there. I saw a split second of satisfaction in her eyes and then she and I both wondered what she was going to do now that she was hanging on the wall. She allowed herself to slide down the wall and went and got a sip of water and a bite of food. Apparently spelunking takes a lot out of a girl.

With food in her belly Ashleigh finds a sunbeam to take a nap in and Lorenzo lays under the wicker chair. Thinking this meet of the Idiot Olympics is finished for the day I, too, decide to take a nap.

I am awakened by the sound of horking. Cat horking to be exact. My first thought is that the cat food I've been feeding them is tainted and one of them is on their last leg and will spent their last moment on this earth barfing. I don't have to go far to see that it's Ashleigh, and she is doing what all barfing cats do; horking and running around in circles backwards. I am trying to get her to barf on a paper towel but apparently the paper towel is most offensive because she keeps jerking away from it. At the last second I am able to get a dish towel under her mouth and save my carpet from another kitty induced stain. Poor kitty, I am such a bad mommy, feeding you tainted food. Pet, pet, sweet talk, sweet talk..etc. I have purchased all of my pet food at Pet Smart and was under the impression that they had been on top of keeping the tainted food off of the shelves. I've been paying through the nose so that they can have decent food that does not include melamine. Curse the pet food companies, curse Pet Smart! Curse all ya all, curse...hey, wait a minute...sparkly barf? What. Is. That? Upon closer inspection I conclude that Ashleigh had eaten silver curling ribbon. The exact curling ribbon I had picked up off of the floor and put in the kitchen drawer a couple of hours ago. I looked around and sure enough in the corner of the dining room was the spool of ribbon. She had gotten in to the drawer and taken it out and chewed off a hunk and swallowed it. I realized I was off the hook and she hadn't been poisoned by eating bad cat food. I breathed a sigh of relief and thought that she'd sit still for a while. Most living beings do not feel energized after eating and subsequently barfing up ribbon but Ashleigh is not most living beings. It didn't take her 2 minutes to get Lorenzo all fired up and they were running around like maniacs. Ashleigh took a running leap and swatted at the crystal cord that hangs from the ceiling fan. She has been trying her hand/paw at that for months now and you should have heard the marching band start to play when she actually connected with the cord hard enough to cause it to wrap around one of the fan blades. I decided to leave it there hoping that it will cause her to lose interest in swatting at it, but if I know Ashleigh I will probably come home one day to find her sitting on the fan blade trying to figure out how to unwind the cord that that she can play with it once again.

I sat on the couch thinking, "Ha ha! I'll bet that's not what you had planned.", as Ashleigh sat looking up at the ceiling fan. She got up and sauntered down the hall with Lorenzo in toe. Minutes later they both came storming down the hallway, turning in to the living room leaping from the floor across my face, over the couch, knocking the floor lamp completely over, breaking the light bulb, and then they landed on the bakers rack. I'm ready to yank a knot in their tails. I. HAVE. HAD. IT. I get up and turn around and this is what I see:



How can I be angry with two little baby kitty angels like this?

My Fur Children: The Fashion Maven and the Interior Design Expert

In the last few months Ashleigh has been trying to get me to redecorate the house and I just have not been listening to her. She has taken it upon herself to do the footwork and the results have been remarkable. My living room and bedroom are so much brighter since she has torn down the curtains. I was not too sure I liked the look so I re-hung the curtains several times but Ashleigh prevailed. In an effort to make me realize that she takes her vocation very seriously she has gone to the trouble to actually break 4 curtain rods. I've managed to fix the 3 from the living room. I've even gone as far as moving the couch, chair, table and shredder away from the curtains. This has not posed a problem for Ashleigh. Lest we forget she's been in heavy training for the Idiot Olympics for the last 7 months and the "leaping high jump" is one of her specialties. She was lucky in that there was a trampoline (my bed) for her to bounce on in her attempt at getting the bedroom curtains down. It took a few tries but she finally got the curtain rod bent so badly that it broke. In half. Figuring that no one needs to see my naked body, with the missing body parts and all, I have chosen the temporary/quick fix of taping my curtains up. Packing tape works wonders. And boy is it pretty! There is just one little problem. The 1x1" tags that grace my bedroom curtains apparently mock Ashleigh and they need to be brought to justice. When she has managed to get the curtains down she claws and chews at the label like a mad woman. (Why don't I just cut them off? Good question.) In addition to pulling the curtains down and letting the sunshine in, Ashleigh has decided that my couch pillows look much better on the floor and my dirty socks look better displayed all over the house. I've even seen her drag one of my blouses in to the living room from the bedroom. Ashleigh likes a little splash of color here & there and socks randomly displayed about the room is an easy decorator tip.

Lorenzo isn't so much into interior design. No, he's much too busy with his wardrobe and his attempts at coloring his facial hair. His face is pure white and his eyes are crystal blue. His nose and his lips are the softest shade of pink. He is a beautiful baby faced boy. Lorenzo is not content to look like such an adolescent. Hey, he's 8 months old ya know. Before you can blink an eye he's going to be 9 months and then a year. His youth will be behind him. So in an attempt to hurry nature and appear to be more mature, suave and debonair he has now taken to coloring his facial hair with wet canned cat food. The results are magnificent. With just a couple of bites of food he can have his whole muzzle covered and if he really sets his mind to it he can get it to hang off of his 3 inch long eye brows. This trick easily adds months to his appearance and you'd honestly think he's at least 11 months old!
He is certain that he looks very debonair and he just loves to share his suavey-ness with one and all by wiping excess cat food from his whiskers on to anyone who is with in rubbing distance. "Share the wealth", is totally his motto.
In addition to adding class and distinction to his mug...Lorenzo has decided that he'd like to experiment in the fine art of accessorizing. The other night he was laying on a plastic bag and poked his head through the handle. Instant necklace. Then he slid his head a bit further and his necklace turned in to a hooded cape. He tried to model his cape on the cat walk but then when he decided that the cape was following him, STALKING him, he tried to run away from it. No matter how fast he ran he could not out run the cape, but an odd thing happened. The cape slid down and he got one foot/leg through the hole and his necklace/cape/hood became a toga. Lorenzo sat and very quietly modeled his toga for me. After a few minutes passed I realized that he really wasn't sitting and modeling with quiet class and dignity....he couldn't stand up with one leg in the bag hole and one leg out. I tried to remedy the situation by taking the bag off of him, but this was easily misinterpreted as me trying to murder him with a rusty pick axe. I got his second leg out of the hole but then the necklace/cape/hood/toga became a skirt. Since he IS a boy and he wasn't wearing any chonies I will say that it became a KILT. He was able to run around for many minutes, sashaying to and fro, teasing Ashleigh with his kilt. She tried many times to take it off of him but he just thought she was jealous and wouldn't let her near it. After a few laps around the living room Lorenzo decided that he wanted to show his mad modeling skills to his imaginary audience in the kitchen. This resulted in things getting knocked off of the counter. I was also afraid that he would get his kilt caught on something and get injured so I made another attempt at getting it off of him. Once again attempted murder was barely thwarted and Lorenzo got away. This time the necklace/cape/hood/toga/kilt became a legging. I knew that this would only cause Ashleigh to think she needed one too, and I didn't want anything to take time away from her interior design program so I wrangled Lorenzo to the floor and got the bag off of his foot. He's had to run around naked ever since. I expect a home visit from the ASPCA any day now.