Friday, October 20, 2006

100 things about me

1. I am left handed.
2. I hate to cook.
3. I love to read autobiographies, but if one isn’t handy the side of a cereal box will do.
4. I think music, flowers and love are truly gifts from God.
5. My little fingers are so crooked that when put side by side they actually form a Y
6. Most of my teeth are capped or were capped before the caps fell off.
7. I have been a vegetarian since I was about 14 years old.
8. I generally don’t make my bed.
9. I like to crochet but I can only make blankets or scarves because I refuse to learn how to read a pattern.
10. I like to write letters.
11. My hair is neither straight nor curly. I refer to it as being wrinkled.
12. I have had bags under my eyes since I was about 4 years old.
13. I have seen Elton John, Todd Rundgren & Jackson Browne perform so many times that it’s like seeing an old friend when ever I see them.
14. I lived in the very same house for my first 18 years of life.
15. From 18 on I have moved on the average of once every 3 years.
16. My twin sister and I share a birthday with Liza Minelli.
17. When I go to the cemetery to visit my family’s grave sites I honestly feel that I can get my thoughts conveyed to my dead relatives by telepathy.
18. I never pay for flowers at the cemetery. I take them from the side of the crematorium.
19. The most amazing thing I’ve ever seen was when I saw Rebekah being born.
20. When watching the above event, my sobbing became the sound track of the video tape.
21. My favorite color is pink.
22. My least favorite color is chartreuse.
23. I used to love high, high heeled shoes.
24. Now I find myself not buying shoes because they are not flat enough to suit me.
25. I love being a size 4.
26. When I was sick and afraid that I was going to die my biggest regret was that I didn’t think I’d gotten to dance enough.
27. Just thinking about chemo makes me nauseated.
28. Now I can’t stop thinking about chemo.
29. My favorite flower is a white daisy.
30. I am personally offended by smog.
31. When I was younger my bedroom was painted orange, by my request.
32. Kraft Mac N Cheese rules!
33. I dye my hair in an effort to disguise the grey.
34. I would love to have a house where all of my furniture matched.
35. Stacks of paper with more than one staple in them bother me much more than it should.
36. I drink far too much diet coke.
37. I hate going to the dentist so much that it makes my heart pound.
38. I am completely convinced that there are no children on earth cuter than my nieces and nephews. Seriously.
39. My mother is my pillar of strength.
40. I love to go to the movies and will pretty much sit through even the worst movie ever because I am always certain that it will get better.
41. When I was younger I loved to roller skate, but I think now that if I skated it would result in broken bones or loss of teeth.
41. I wish I could sing.
42. I hate to drive.
43. I love house plants.
44. I love my kittens.
45. I hate when my kittens get in to my house plants.
46. I think that all walls should be painted white.
47. I love to sleep in.
48. I love to be on the ocean.
49. Hawaii really IS paradise.
50. I can’t cut in a straight line.
51. My second toes are longer than my big toes and they are crooked.
52. I have an answer for everything.
53. I am a lot more spiritual than people know.
54. 99% of my work clothes are black.
55. I always refer to Keanu Reeves as “MY Keanu”.
56. Avocados and chocolate are in a tie for my favorite food.
57. I love red wine, but would rather dehydrate than drink white wine.
58. I have a huge thing about my pillows or blankets touching the floor.
59. I have never been able to wake right up and spring out of bed with a song in my heart.
60. I love nick names.
61. When I was little I slept with so many dolls and stuffed animals that there was no room for me to roll over.
62. My sister is the funniest person I know.
63. I have over 100 pairs of socks.
64. I simply do not understand the fuss about Bruce Springsteen.
65. I think they should do medical testing on prison inmates.
66. When I was younger I thought I was too skinny, then I immediately went to being too fat. I’ve never been happy with my weight.
67. I am fascinated by drag queens.
68. I have had something removed from my right eyelid, my right thigh, my right breast and my right foot. Do you see a pattern?
69. I have always wanted to be a teacher.
70. Making people laugh is my favorite thing.
71. I am allergic to cats, pollen, cigarette smoke, bird dander, rabbit fur, wool, cashmere, alpaca, grass & nylon.
72. I almost always try to be nice.
73.I love to take pictures.
74. I love to walk the track.
75. I don’t mind doing laundry but I hate having to put it away.
76. I went for over 10 years without going into a pool or ocean water.
77. More often than not, people think I’m weird and have no problem telling me this.
78. I am hard of hearing.
79. I love ginger.
80. If I had a son I’d like to name him Ethan.
81. But instead I have kittens named Ashleigh and Lorenzo.
82. Lorenzo is deaf.
83. I love babies.
84. I am drawn to people who can make me laugh.
85. My eyelashes tend to fall out.
86. I have a lisp but I don’t hear it until I hear my voice on a recording and then I vow I will never speak again.
87. I have always wanted to be taller.
88. My mom is the best cook in the world.
89. I’m addicted to the internet game, “Bespelled”.
90. I am good at trivia games.
91. I love Christmas trees.
92. No matter what the temperature is…if there is a fire in the fire place I will stand in front of it until my pant legs are just about on fire.
93. Being really cold usually makes me furious.
94. Right now the only thing in my refrigerator is a stick of butter and one caffeine free diet coke.
95. I have friends that I’ve had for over 25 years and I love them.
96. My neck hurts 99.99% of the time.
97. I don’t like it when window blinds are not even and I will fix them even if they are not mine.
98. I will not hold the stair rail because it’s too germy.
99. When I was in college taking a ballet class my teacher once told me that I had perfect point and made the whole class come and look at my foot close up.
100. To know me is to know my love for Jackson Browne.


Tuesday, October 17, 2006

My trip to Fashion Island

On Sunday I found myself with nothing to do so I ventured out to Fashion Island in the hoity toity section of Newport Beach. (Is there a section of Newport Beach that is less toity than others?)

I parked next to Macy's because I figured that would probably be the only store on this island that I would be able to afford. Foolish me! I have never been in a Macy's that sold real live designer items. They had a Prada section, a Ralph Lauren Section, a Louis Vitton section, etc. etc. I saw a cotton knit, zip up the front jacket that had unfinished seams and faded out colors and it was on the mark down rack for $645.00. This brought a whole new meaning to the term "mark down". I don't remember what the original price was but I tried to imagine someone finding this rag and looking at the price tag and gleefully exclaiming, "Oh. My. God. Look at this...(jumping up and down..) it's marked down and now I can afford to buy this's only $645.00!!!" There are actually people who think this is a normal price to pay for a flimsy jacket. A person who thinks that something like this is a bargain would truly have a coronary if they ever deign to go into a Ross Dress For Less where they would probably find that exact same jacket in the teen age girl department for $7.00 with an additional 60% off. Even at that price it would still be absurd because the jacket looked like a rag. I left the Ugly Jacket department and headed over to the shoe department. I thought that maybe I'd find a pair of Manolo Blahnik's or "ugly ass" Bruno Magli's to try on. A cute pair of high heels caught my eye so I picked them up and turned them over. The tag on the sole of the shoe indicated that they were my size but just a tad out of my price range. I was curious to see what a $3,000.00 pair of pumps felt like so I kicked off my sandal and attempted to slide the pump on to my foot. I got the shoe onto the toe of my right foot and then I started to lose my balance. In my effort to maintain my upright position I put my foot with the semi placed high heel to the ground, or shall I say that I had aimed for the ground. I managed to get the stiletto heel of the fancy shoe caught in the cuff of my oh-so-last-season cuffed, mid-calf length jeans. Not wanting to pants myself in the middle of the poshest Macy's store I've ever seen, I didn't allow my right foot to go down any further. The heel of the shoe didn't tear my jeans but it did manage to gouge my left leg and ankle. Since that hurt I stopped in mid skid and the next thing I know I had fallen to my knee, with a huge THUD and flung my purse across the aisle. It didn't take me .01 second to get myself back up and standing on the $3,000.00 shoe and produce the facade that all of today's shoe aficionados try shoes on and then fall to their knee as if to test the shoe for stress and stretch.
In the time it took to right myself, take off the shoe and collect my purse I could already feel my knee throbbing but there is no way I was going to look at it right then and there because that would have ruined my, "I meant to do that" cover. No, I meandered through the store and finally when I got outside I pulled my pant leg up and saw the damage. I had skinned my knee and had a lovely bruise forming, complete with red aura and swelling. This was so obviously the gods of shopping trying to tell me that I didn't belong at that mall but since I was only looking I thought it would be ok for me to stay.

I walked around outside and something was instantly made clear to me. I had forgotten something but what....what did I forget? Aha! I forgot to bring my pedigreed dog to the mall. I was pretty much the only one there with out a dog. I saw dogs on leashes, dogs on laps, dogs in strollers and dogs in arms. Men with dogs, kids with dogs, old ladies...young ladies..all with dogs. And not a mutt in the mix. I saw a Pug dressed up like a pumpkin and I saw a couple of tiny dogs in a stroller that were both wearing sweaters. I enjoyed the dog fashion show as I strolled in to the next department store; Neiman Marcus. The fashion show continued...because they allow dogs in Neiman Marcus.

I spent a couple of minutes in that store before I realized I had forgotten to pack something else for my trip to the mall. What. Did. I. Forget. This. Time. Think...think...OH! Now I remember! I forgot to pack my face lift!
I was truly the only person there in my age group or older who had not had a face lift. I was surrounded by Joan Rivers look-a-likes. It was scary! Baby butt smooth skin everywhere I looked. And apparently with every face lift they throw in a tiered dutch boy hair cut. Woman of every age and size all with perfect inverted flip do's. And dogs. And me with my beach hair, (read: Raggedy Ann curls) and a skinned knee. Please do not think that I stuck out like a sore thumb because clearly, I did not.

I didn't spend much time in Neiman Marcus because it just made me nervous and I was hungry. I found the food court and I decided to eat at a Philly cheese steak place. I ordered the veggie sandwich and boy was I shocked when the cooker plopped my veggies right down on top of where he cooked the last sandwich which was made out of some form of meat that I didn't even recognize. I was even more surprised to find out that a veggie sandwich was made out of about a cup of onions, a strip of green bell pepper and a very thin slice of cheese. I asked for some olives and the guy looked at me like I was nuts. This should teach me that one shouldn't choose an eating establishment simply because they are the only ones who serve Coke products.

While I sat there eating my onion and meat juice sandwich I watched the people walking by. I saw a mom and a little girl dressed alike in their matching JLo hats and their hair tucked up underneath. They both had on knee length leather coats and knee length leather boots. It was a frigid 77 degrees outside so I can see why they bundled up. They were both beautiful and I was just beginning to wonder if mom had had a face lift, too, but when she opened her mouth to speak she was speaking in German. European woman tend to have beautiful skin and this woman could have been their spokes person. I watched beautiful mom and her matching child for quite some time and I'm glad to report that beautiful European children who dress like clones of their parents do not behave any better than our ugly American children. Little Clonie just wanted to have fun with the other kids who were having a big time screaming into the water fountain, but Euro mom wanted her to eat her lunch.

After I left the food court and was walking to the pet store I couldn't help but feel it again. Something else was wrong...I was missing something else. Something was not quite right....what did I forget, what did I forget....tap my toe, tip my head to the side, put my index finger to my chin....think, think....THINK. Then it dawned on me. I didn't pack my boob job! I am 46 years old and have been shopping all of my'd think by now I'd know to pack my pedigreed dog, my face lift and most certainly my boob job when I am going to go out, but alas and alack I forgot all 3. I decided that I had better take what was left of my dignity and head on back to the low rent district of Huntington Beach so I packed up my skinned knee, my beach hair, my original face skin and my one good boob and went home.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Weekend Musings.....

Friday night I was sitting at home minding my own business when it started to rain. In mere moments it went from a little bit of rain to an all out storm. There was thunder and lighting and then it sounded like someone was throwing rocks on to the roof of my mobile home. I couldn't believe the noise. As the minutes went by it got louder and louder until it got so loud that it scared Ashleigh and she had to go run and hide. Lorenzo, being deaf, didn't seem to mind it at all. Within 5 minutes the noise was deafening. I couldn't believe it. All I could think was, "Boy did I make a mistake when I bought a mobile home. I had no idea that rain on the roof of a mobile home would be so loud." Then I went to my bedroom to rescue Ashleigh and more noise. I thought that the rain had stopped so I went back into the living room. The noise was just as loud as ever. It was only in the "pop out" portion of my house. I have just had my ceiling tiles replaced and the insulation was removed and discarded. You just never know how much you need insulation until it's gone. Word up: appreciate your insulation! Don't wait until it's gone to realize what a terrific job it does just sitting there minding it's own pink and itchy beeswax, keeping you warm and muffling errant noise. Insulation rocks!

While I was waxing poetic about my lack of insulation I decided to call my sister so she could hear how loud the noise was inside my house. I actually had to shout on the phone to be heard over the rain. My sister also had to shout so that I could hear her. We got a good laugh out of my misery and then I realized that my roof was leaking. That was not so funny. I hastily hung up and ran to find a towel. Being a new home owner I don't have any old towels or rags so I had to use a brand new hand towel. This. Pained. Me. I bought 3 towels in sets and now I've ruined one of the face towels. The towel isn't actually ruined but I will never use it on my body again so now it's a rag and the set is ruined. Was it the face towel that matched the towel in which Muffin was buried? Of course not. So now I have destroyed 2 of my 3 new towel sets. I digress.

The rain was coming in right at the edge where the wall meets the ceiling. When I bought the house I was told that I had to do something to seal that area because it was a health hazard. No one explained to me that health hazard = rain coming inside. I had to see why it was only leaking in this one spot so I pushed my couch over to where the leak was, stood on the arm of the couch, and, with my arms over my head I attempted to lift the ceiling tile out of it's slot. Now, standing on the arm of a couch has never been a difficult task. As a matter of fact in my youth it was a fun and very easy task and I always thought that the arm of any couch, or chair, was a handy dandy step ladder. Now that I am well in to my 40's this is no longer the case. I don't have the Billie Goat gene that I apparently had in my youth. It is hard to keep my balance when I am wearing my clogs, so standing on the arm of a couch without falling head long in to a window is a real trial.

Once I felt like I was balanced and then lifted my hands over my head I realized that Ashleigh was climbing up my leg. I was wearing surgical scrubs which were very baggy and are made out of very thin cotton. This didn't slow her down one bit. Nor did she slow down when she managed to pull my pants completely down. She simply climbed up my bare leg until she reached her perch on my shoulder.

So here is the picture: It's raining cats and dogs outside and I'm in my living room, standing on the arm of my couch, my pants are down around my ankles, my bare legs are bleeding, I have a kitten on my shoulder, my arms are over my head trying to pry a ceiling tile out of it's slot and there is water pouring down the wall despite the fact that I have a brand new face towel wedged in to the far end of the ceiling tile which is where the leak is the strongest. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse....Lorenzo realized that he was missing out on the fun and he started to leap from the back of the couch on to my underwear clad butt. Lorenzo isn't quite the climber that his sister is so unfortunately for him he just bounced right off of my rear and then sat there and cried. All at once the absurdity of the moment struck me and I started to laugh. One more thing...did I neglect to mention that I don't have any curtains in my living room?

Ashleigh and I assessed the problem. All that was needed was something to block the water from splashing in underneath the roof/ceiling so I simply stuffed the area with a plastic bag. Now, I doubt that Bob Vila will ever be taking "Quick Fix" tips from me,.... but this seemed to do the trick. After the repair was in place I went to the bathroom to dress my bleeding wounds and I promised Lorenzo that the very next disaster requiring impromptu home repair he would get to be my assistant and Ashleigh would have to sit there and watch.

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