My trip to Fashion Island

On Sunday I found myself with nothing to do so I ventured out to Fashion Island in the hoity toity section of Newport Beach. (Is there a section of Newport Beach that is less toity than others?)

I parked next to Macy's because I figured that would probably be the only store on this island that I would be able to afford. Foolish me! I have never been in a Macy's that sold real live designer items. They had a Prada section, a Ralph Lauren Section, a Louis Vitton section, etc. etc. I saw a cotton knit, zip up the front jacket that had unfinished seams and faded out colors and it was on the mark down rack for $645.00. This brought a whole new meaning to the term "mark down". I don't remember what the original price was but I tried to imagine someone finding this rag and looking at the price tag and gleefully exclaiming, "Oh. My. God. Look at this...(jumping up and down..) it's marked down and now I can afford to buy this jacket....it's only $645.00!!!" There are actually people who think this is a normal price to pay for a flimsy jacket. A person who thinks that something like this is a bargain would truly have a coronary if they ever deign to go into a Ross Dress For Less where they would probably find that exact same jacket in the teen age girl department for $7.00 with an additional 60% off. Even at that price it would still be absurd because the jacket looked like a rag. I left the Ugly Jacket department and headed over to the shoe department. I thought that maybe I'd find a pair of Manolo Blahnik's or "ugly ass" Bruno Magli's to try on. A cute pair of high heels caught my eye so I picked them up and turned them over. The tag on the sole of the shoe indicated that they were my size but just a tad out of my price range. I was curious to see what a $3,000.00 pair of pumps felt like so I kicked off my sandal and attempted to slide the pump on to my foot. I got the shoe onto the toe of my right foot and then I started to lose my balance. In my effort to maintain my upright position I put my foot with the semi placed high heel to the ground, or shall I say that I had aimed for the ground. I managed to get the stiletto heel of the fancy shoe caught in the cuff of my oh-so-last-season cuffed, mid-calf length jeans. Not wanting to pants myself in the middle of the poshest Macy's store I've ever seen, I didn't allow my right foot to go down any further. The heel of the shoe didn't tear my jeans but it did manage to gouge my left leg and ankle. Since that hurt I stopped in mid skid and the next thing I know I had fallen to my knee, with a huge THUD and flung my purse across the aisle. It didn't take me .01 second to get myself back up and standing on the $3,000.00 shoe and produce the facade that all of today's shoe aficionados try shoes on and then fall to their knee as if to test the shoe for stress and stretch.
In the time it took to right myself, take off the shoe and collect my purse I could already feel my knee throbbing but there is no way I was going to look at it right then and there because that would have ruined my, "I meant to do that" cover. No, I meandered through the store and finally when I got outside I pulled my pant leg up and saw the damage. I had skinned my knee and had a lovely bruise forming, complete with red aura and swelling. This was so obviously the gods of shopping trying to tell me that I didn't belong at that mall but since I was only looking I thought it would be ok for me to stay.

I walked around outside and something was instantly made clear to me. I had forgotten something but what....what did I forget? Aha! I forgot to bring my pedigreed dog to the mall. I was pretty much the only one there with out a dog. I saw dogs on leashes, dogs on laps, dogs in strollers and dogs in arms. Men with dogs, kids with dogs, old ladies...young ladies..all with dogs. And not a mutt in the mix. I saw a Pug dressed up like a pumpkin and I saw a couple of tiny dogs in a stroller that were both wearing sweaters. I enjoyed the dog fashion show as I strolled in to the next department store; Neiman Marcus. The fashion show continued...because they allow dogs in Neiman Marcus.

I spent a couple of minutes in that store before I realized I had forgotten to pack something else for my trip to the mall. What. Did. I. Forget. This. Time. Think...think...OH! Now I remember! I forgot to pack my face lift!
I was truly the only person there in my age group or older who had not had a face lift. I was surrounded by Joan Rivers look-a-likes. It was scary! Baby butt smooth skin everywhere I looked. And apparently with every face lift they throw in a tiered dutch boy hair cut. Woman of every age and size all with perfect inverted flip do's. And dogs. And me with my beach hair, (read: Raggedy Ann curls) and a skinned knee. Please do not think that I stuck out like a sore thumb because clearly, I did not.

I didn't spend much time in Neiman Marcus because it just made me nervous and I was hungry. I found the food court and I decided to eat at a Philly cheese steak place. I ordered the veggie sandwich and boy was I shocked when the cooker plopped my veggies right down on top of where he cooked the last sandwich which was made out of some form of meat that I didn't even recognize. I was even more surprised to find out that a veggie sandwich was made out of about a cup of onions, a strip of green bell pepper and a very thin slice of cheese. I asked for some olives and the guy looked at me like I was nuts. This should teach me that one shouldn't choose an eating establishment simply because they are the only ones who serve Coke products.

While I sat there eating my onion and meat juice sandwich I watched the people walking by. I saw a mom and a little girl dressed alike in their matching JLo hats and their hair tucked up underneath. They both had on knee length leather coats and knee length leather boots. It was a frigid 77 degrees outside so I can see why they bundled up. They were both beautiful and I was just beginning to wonder if mom had had a face lift, too, but when she opened her mouth to speak she was speaking in German. European woman tend to have beautiful skin and this woman could have been their spokes person. I watched beautiful mom and her matching child for quite some time and I'm glad to report that beautiful European children who dress like clones of their parents do not behave any better than our ugly American children. Little Clonie just wanted to have fun with the other kids who were having a big time screaming into the water fountain, but Euro mom wanted her to eat her lunch.

After I left the food court and was walking to the pet store I couldn't help but feel it again. Something else was wrong...I was missing something else. Something was not quite right....what did I forget, what did I forget....tap my toe, tip my head to the side, put my index finger to my chin....think, think....THINK. Then it dawned on me. I didn't pack my boob job! I am 46 years old and have been shopping all of my life...you'd think by now I'd know to pack my pedigreed dog, my face lift and most certainly my boob job when I am going to go out, but alas and alack I forgot all 3. I decided that I had better take what was left of my dignity and head on back to the low rent district of Huntington Beach so I packed up my skinned knee, my beach hair, my original face skin and my one good boob and went home.