Last night I went to the Brea mall and went shopping at Nordstrom. I tried on 10 items and was cracking myself up with my own commentary. (I am truly my own best audience.) The dressing rooms in the fancy dress department are truly larger than my bedroom. They have a step up platform and 3 angled mirrors and a spot light. There is also another mirror on the other end of the room with much more subtle lighting. As I saw myself in my chonies in the bright, bright light I just about gagged. What happened to that tanned, cellulite free person of 20 months ago? What happened to my beigest of beige skin tone that actually inferred that I lived within walking distance of the beach? I do believe there is nothing whiter than my skin. The mirror showed someone who was white, to the point of being transparent, with cellulite, no ankles and COVERED with cat scratches. Is there anyone in the world, over the age of 6 who looks good in this type of lighting? I can't help but think that Cindy Crawford's flaws would show up in this dressing room. (Can you imagine how big that mole would look?)
As I tried on the first dress this conversation ensued in my head:
Me: "Hello, London?"
London: "Yes. We’ve called to inform you that your trip to London has been cancelled. You’re too fat."
Me: "I agree."
Me: "London, is this you again?"
London: "Yes. Knock knock."
Me: "Who’s there?"
Me: "LOOK who?"
London: "LOOK WHAT THE CAT HOCKED UP!"
Me: "Alright, already. I’ll take it off. Geez..."
Me: "Now what?"
London: "Harry Potter called. He wants his sorcerers robe back."
Me: "How. Fun. It. Is. To. Laugh."
Me: "Can you leave me alone for a minute. I think I found a dress that fits! I’m admiring myself."
London: "We are particularly fond of your brown socks. Please make sure you keep this ensemble together."
Me: "Shut up. Obviously I am not going to be wearing cotton socks with a beautiful velvet dress."
London: "Oh, you think you are going to buy THIS dress?"
Me: "Yes. It’s pretty and it fits and I have shoes at home that will match."
London: "Well, no matter how much you think you look like Julia Roberts in that red dress from “Pretty Woman”..take it from me..you don’t."
Me: "Thank you for that. I didn’t think I looked like Julia Roberts from “Pretty Woman”…her dress was red and this dress is brown."
London: "Brown is so 5 minutes ago."
Me: "No wonder this dress was on a mark down rack."
London: "Look again, Dork. This dress IS marked down but this IS Nordstrom after all. Look at the price tag again."
Me: Hmm. "$300.00. Alrighty then.This really isn’t in my price range."
London: "Ha ha."
Me: "Can I help you?"
London: "Is your refrigerator running?"
Me: "Knock it off, I'm trying to find something to wear. At this rate I will be going to Mosimans in my birthday suit."
London: "I hope you don't mean THAT suit."
Me:"What is wrong with THIS suit, it has sparkly bugle beads on it.
London: "Does the Queen know you've been raiding her closet?"
Me: "Is this suit THAT dowdy?"
London: "Did you say "dowdy" or "doody"?
Me: (taking suit off so quickly that I might have seen said bugle beads fly across the room.) Pfft!
Me: "This dress is a little bit tight but with the proper amount of figure flattering underwear I think it will do just fine. Do you think the jacket is matronly?"
London: "SPEAK UP DEARY, I CAN’T HEAR YOU. That jacket is matronly and also quite LOUD."
Me: "I thought London was supposed to be well known being so polite? You are SO not polite. What if I get this dress and jacket ensemble and then I can get another jacket to wear and then it will look like I have 2 different outfits?"
London:"You are sure to fool Greg. Most men with multiple degrees and membership to exclusive private clubs would never notice if their date wore the very same dress two nights in a row. He will be so charmed by your inability to use the proper eating impliments during dinner that he won’t notice WHAT you are wearing."
Me: "Well, between that and a lot of red wine."
Same dress, different jacket
London: "I hate to admit it, but you are right. Putting a different jacket with that dress changes the entire look."
Me: "Just call me Vera Wang."
Same dress, different top
Me calling London
Me:"OMG! How gorgeous is this top??"
London: "Vera, I have to admit that it is quite lovely."
Me: "IlovethistopIlovethistopIlovethistop!!! I’ve never had anything so exquisite on my body before. It fits like it was custom made for me and it is perfect for this dress. All black, a little bit of sparkle, little bit of an empire waist that is very slimming, long sleeves..I LOVE IT."
London: "I notice it doesn’t have a price tag."
Me: "Well, it was on the mark down rack.."
London: You silly cow! You fell for that mere moments ago with the brown velvet dress. Don’t you EVER learn by your mistakes?"
Me: "But I LOVE this top. It’s perfect. It’s prettier than either one of my wedding dresses. It’s just a top, it couldn’t be THAT much. And besides it was the only one on the rack. Someone probably bought it for New Years and returned it. I’m sure it won’t be too far out of my price range and this way I will have 1 black dress with 3 very distinctive looks. I. Am. Finished."
London: "Bravo, well done Mate!"
After I had found my 1 dress with 3 alternate looks I got dressed and proudly walked to the cash register. I was going to make 3 purchases at Nordstrom, just like a grown up! I pointed out the lack of price tag on the beloved, perfect black blouse and the sales lady. She found a bar code on one of the tags and matter of facty told me that the top was not marked down, it was regular price…$245.00, then she asked if I still wanted it? If you took the cocktail dress and shoes that I got from Ross, added the dress and the 2nd jacket from Nordstrom and put them all together… I didn’t pay $245.00. With quiet, polite shame and anger I told the sales lady that I would have to pass on the black top. I stopped myself from pinning a note on the top that said, “Please take good care of this top. Love, Tami”