Friday, January 19, 2007

Liar, liar, pants on fire....

Last night as I was cleaning the house Ashleigh decided that she needed to use the litter box. (I honestly think they hold it while I'm gone and wait until I'm home before they go potty. They are still young enough that after they are finished using the litter box they announce it to whom ever is listening. Little kittens do this, but I don't know why. Perhaps it's so that we can congratulate and praise them for using the potty the same way we praise Jake?) In the course of the situation Ashleigh managed to stink up the joint so I lit a candle and put it on the sink counter in the kitchen. I was doing the dishes and as we all know if there is running water involved Lorenzo will have his nose in it. Lorenzo jumped up on to the counter and saw the candle. He walked over to it, looked at it, took a quizzical breath and then walked away. However when he walked away he didn't walk away far enough. He stopped with his fanny right next to the candle. As I watched in horror ...he let his tail drop into the flame and the next thing I knew his entire pantaloon area was in flames. There was actually a smoldering blue flame in his fur. I could hear the fire sizzle as his fur melted. The stench was dreadful. I immediately blew out the candle flame and then I grabbed a wadded up tea towel and dabbed at the fire, hoping I wasn't causing the fire to burn his little kitty ass. This whole episode took less than 30 seconds but for me time just stood still. I couldn't believe how quickly he caught on fire and how quickly his fur burned. Mostly I couldn't believe that he never reacted to the fire. His only reaction seemed to be, "Why are you hitting me with that towel? Is this a new game? Cool!"

When all was said and done it looked like Lorenzo had sat in the mud. I tried to comb the black, melted, stinky fur but he was not one bit interested in sitting still long enough for me to do so. This morning most of the mess was gone. I'm sure Lorenzo will be horking burnt fur balls for the rest of the weekend....but I don't care. I'm just glad he's safe and sound and didn't get injured in this debacle.

In case anyone is interested....I threw all of my candles in the trash.


Thursday, January 18, 2007

London Calling

Last night I went to the Brea mall and went shopping at Nordstrom. I tried on 10 items and was cracking myself up with my own commentary. (I am truly my own best audience.) The dressing rooms in the fancy dress department are truly larger than my bedroom. They have a step up platform and 3 angled mirrors and a spot light. There is also another mirror on the other end of the room with much more subtle lighting. As I saw myself in my chonies in the bright, bright light I just about gagged. What happened to that tanned, cellulite free person of 20 months ago? What happened to my beigest of beige skin tone that actually inferred that I lived within walking distance of the beach? I do believe there is nothing whiter than my skin. The mirror showed someone who was white, to the point of being transparent, with cellulite, no ankles and COVERED with cat scratches. Is there anyone in the world, over the age of 6 who looks good in this type of lighting? I can't help but think that Cindy Crawford's flaws would show up in this dressing room. (Can you imagine how big that mole would look?)

As I tried on the first dress this conversation ensued in my head:

Ring ring..
London calling…
Me: "Hello, London?"
London: "Yes. We’ve called to inform you that your trip to London has been cancelled. You’re too fat."
Me: "I agree."

Next dress
Ring ring..
London calling…
Me: "London, is this you again?"
London: "Yes. Knock knock."
Me: "Who’s there?"
London: "LOOK!"
Me: "LOOK who?"
Me: "Alright, already. I’ll take it off. Geez..."

Next dress
Ring ring
London calling
Me: "London?"
London: "Yes."
Me: "Now what?"
London: "Harry Potter called. He wants his sorcerers robe back."
Me: "How. Fun. It. Is. To. Laugh."

Net dress
Ring ring
London calling
Me: "Can you leave me alone for a minute. I think I found a dress that fits! I’m admiring myself."
London: "We are particularly fond of your brown socks. Please make sure you keep this ensemble together."
Me: "Shut up. Obviously I am not going to be wearing cotton socks with a beautiful velvet dress."
London: "Oh, you think you are going to buy THIS dress?"
Me: "Yes. It’s pretty and it fits and I have shoes at home that will match."
London: "Well, no matter how much you think you look like Julia Roberts in that red dress from “Pretty Woman”..take it from don’t."
Me: "Thank you for that. I didn’t think I looked like Julia Roberts from “Pretty Woman”…her dress was red and this dress is brown."
London: "Brown is so 5 minutes ago."
Me: "No wonder this dress was on a mark down rack."
London: "Look again, Dork. This dress IS marked down but this IS Nordstrom after all. Look at the price tag again."
Me: Hmm. "$300.00. Alrighty then.This really isn’t in my price range."
London: "Ha ha."

Next dress
Ring ring
London calling
Me: "Can I help you?"
London: "Is your refrigerator running?"
Me: "Knock it off, I'm trying to find something to wear. At this rate I will be going to Mosimans in my birthday suit."
London: "I hope you don't mean THAT suit."
Me:"What is wrong with THIS suit, it has sparkly bugle beads on it.
London: "Does the Queen know you've been raiding her closet?"
Me: "Is this suit THAT dowdy?"
London: "Did you say "dowdy" or "doody"?
Me: (taking suit off so quickly that I might have seen said bugle beads fly across the room.) Pfft!

Next dress
Ring ring
London calling
Me: "This dress is a little bit tight but with the proper amount of figure flattering underwear I think it will do just fine. Do you think the jacket is matronly?"
London: "SPEAK UP DEARY, I CAN’T HEAR YOU. That jacket is matronly and also quite LOUD."
Me: "I thought London was supposed to be well known being so polite? You are SO not polite. What if I get this dress and jacket ensemble and then I can get another jacket to wear and then it will look like I have 2 different outfits?"
London:"You are sure to fool Greg. Most men with multiple degrees and membership to exclusive private clubs would never notice if their date wore the very same dress two nights in a row. He will be so charmed by your inability to use the proper eating impliments during dinner that he won’t notice WHAT you are wearing."
Me: "Well, between that and a lot of red wine."

Same dress, different jacket
Ring ring
London calling
London: "I hate to admit it, but you are right. Putting a different jacket with that dress changes the entire look."
Me: "Just call me Vera Wang."

Same dress, different top
Ring ring
Me calling London
Me:"OMG! How gorgeous is this top??"
London: "Vera, I have to admit that it is quite lovely."
Me: "IlovethistopIlovethistopIlovethistop!!! I’ve never had anything so exquisite on my body before. It fits like it was custom made for me and it is perfect for this dress. All black, a little bit of sparkle, little bit of an empire waist that is very slimming, long sleeves..I LOVE IT."
London: "I notice it doesn’t have a price tag."
Me: "Well, it was on the mark down rack.."
London: You silly cow! You fell for that mere moments ago with the brown velvet dress. Don’t you EVER learn by your mistakes?"
Me: "But I LOVE this top. It’s perfect. It’s prettier than either one of my wedding dresses. It’s just a top, it couldn’t be THAT much. And besides it was the only one on the rack. Someone probably bought it for New Years and returned it. I’m sure it won’t be too far out of my price range and this way I will have 1 black dress with 3 very distinctive looks. I. Am. Finished."
London: "Bravo, well done Mate!"

After I had found my 1 dress with 3 alternate looks I got dressed and proudly walked to the cash register. I was going to make 3 purchases at Nordstrom, just like a grown up! I pointed out the lack of price tag on the beloved, perfect black blouse and the sales lady. She found a bar code on one of the tags and matter of facty told me that the top was not marked down, it was regular price…$245.00, then she asked if I still wanted it? If you took the cocktail dress and shoes that I got from Ross, added the dress and the 2nd jacket from Nordstrom and put them all together… I didn’t pay $245.00. With quiet, polite shame and anger I told the sales lady that I would have to pass on the black top. I stopped myself from pinning a note on the top that said, “Please take good care of this top. Love, Tami”


Friday, January 05, 2007

Where I'm From

I found another writing assignment...This one is called "Where I'm From". For your dancing and listening pleasure...Here is what I came up with. At the end I will include the template so you can do one yourself. If you do one....Please share it with the class. (If you read the template you will see that I added some of my own ideas because that is just how I roll!)

I am from pot roast and brown potatoes, Chinese noodles and no drinking with dinner. I am from Camel cigarettes and Coors Beer, from Avon "Here's My Heart" perfume and the oddly round bottle of "Shalimar". I am from barrio Puente, V13, Fairgrove Falcons, Workman Lobos. From the red kitchen counter, nicotine stained white walls, baked beans and Pyrex dripping from the ceiling. I am from the golden chrysanthemums spilling over the back fence, Nana's fern on the front porch and rose bushes from every color of the rainbow along the perimeter of the yard. I am from the long green spears of grass with black dust on the ends that are perfect for drawing whiskers on your sister's face on hot summer afternoons, from dough boy pools that seemed as big as the ocean to a 5 year old, from the play house that had real windows and a working door, from a heavy metal swing set and the best, (only), tether ball pole on the block. From the vegetable garden that produced enough tomatoes and zucchini to feed a small nation, from the pumpkin vine that was apparently planted exclusively for my turtle's dining pleasure, from the twig of an ash tree that grew so big that it uprooted my bedroom floor. I am from Fifi, Pepsi, Duke, Bambi, Geeter, Kinardly, Bootsie, Rover, Miss, Fairday, Puff, Fred & Ethel, Lucy and Ricky, Scooter, "Spoon Spoon", Edna, Kilroy, and a live chicken in my bedroom. I am from school shopping at Sears and JC Penney, no Levi's, no Bear Traps. I am from the "March Of The Toy Soldier" at Christmas and the gift giving orgy on Christmas eve, from what will I get Daddy for his birthday...and does it really matter because he won't say anything about it anyway. From cussing when you're mad and blessing you when you sneeze, from Otter Pop care packages when I'm sick to yard sale treasures. From Nancy Ann & Jaime Jose. I am from quiet weekends at Dan Dans, from taxi rides with Nana. I am from the voracious readers and left over eaters. From smokers and drinkers and vitamin takers. I am from the "Church in the Barn", from Irma and Brownie and cold folding chairs. I am from getting dressed up for church and tap dancing in the kitchen with my good shoes while I wait for everyone else to get ready. From "if you were wearing shoes that wouldn't have happened"and "if you break the law you go to jail". From "You just don't know how to listen", "I just called to say I love you". From "I'd just as leave" and "read the table", "furging through drawers" and "chicken bullshit". I am from my dad, as a small child, being so scared of Amy Semple Mc Pherson that he ran away from the church, from my mom as a small child asking her first real live negro sighting if she was "a big, black boogie?" I'm from Sweden, Wales, Michigan , Ohio , New Mexico , North El Monte, South El Monte , Altadena, Pasadena , St. Lukes Hospital . From onion consume' noodle soup, and from German chocolate cake on my birthday. From Papa not allowing us to get a spanking from Daddy when we knocked the Christmas tree over and the broken Sparkletts bottle creating a river of glass and water on the kitchen floor. From the sister putting her knee through the kitchen wall when she didn't get her way and "Yoo hoo, Nancy ..I'm over here". From "feather spray"and "Yoy!" From "Everyone thinks his ass is the prettiest", from "alright you two!" From "Ain't that the shits?", from "I love you a bushel and a peck". I am from pictures that have been in a wallet for so long that they are adhered to the plastic, from pictures in mother's hallway that are always intriguing no matter how many times you've seen them before. From the kitchen divider looking like a shrine to the Pendell children, from the pictures of the various Naval battalions hanging in the garage. Their value: less than the price of the paper they were printed on but I'd maim anyone who harmed them.

That's where I'm from.


The WHERE I'M FROM Template
I am from _______ (specific ordinary item), from _______ (product name) and _______.
I am from the _______ (home description... adjective, adjective, sensory detail).
I am from the _______ (plant, flower, natural item), the _______ (plant, flower, natural detail)
I am from _______ (family tradition) and _______ (family trait), from _______ (name of family member) and _______ (another family name) and _______ (family name).
I am from the _______ (description of family tendency) and _______ (another one).
From _______ (something you were told as a child) and _______ (another).
I am from (representation of religion, or lack of it). Further description.
I'm from _______ (place of birth and family ancestry), _______ (two food items representing your family).
From the _______ (specific family story about a specific person and detail), the _______ (another detail, and the _______ (another detail about another family member).
I am from _______ (location of family pictures, mementos, archives and several more lines indicating their worth).