Thursday, February 14, 2008

Dave speaks

Last Friday started out just like any other day. The sun started to rise so I went in to the bedroom and started singing. I love mornings, I love to sing, and I love Ashleigh. So in the mornings...I sing about Ashleigh...

"I love you Ashleigh, run away with meeee.
I love you Ashleigh, let me scratch your flea.
I love you Ashleigh, let's swim in the sea.
I love you Ashleigh, we can both climb a tree."

I wrote that all by myself. It has more verses but I'll save it for some other time.

So, I'm in the bedroom singing, hoping that that woman will wake up and serve me some food. I was starving. She had me locked in her room all night and I couldn't get to the food bowl. Well, she got up and went towards the kitchen and shut the door in my face. What the hell is up with that? I thought that she had done this by mistake so I hollered for her or Ashleigh. Someone had to notice that I wasn't there to tell everyone what's what. (That's my job, you know. I'm kinda the boss around here.)

I waited and waited and that woman never opened the door. Just when I thought I was going to starve to death she came back in to the room and picked me up. "This is more like it", I thought. "Room to room shuttle service." But she walked right past the kitchen and brought me in to the living room and tried to stuff me in to a purse! I was sure she had lost her mind so I made myself as fat as possible and stuck my legs out all over the place. There was no way she was going to get me inside of a purse. I don't care if it had windows or not...I was not going in and that was final. When she realized that there was nothing she could do to get me inside of her purse she totally lost her mind and just shoved me in there and zipped up the top as fast as she could. She picked up the purse and took me outside and put me in the car. Uh, HELLO! No one puts Dave Navarro in a purse!
Huh! I tell you what....we hadn't even made it to the first stop sign before I squeezed out of that stupid purse. I love to ride in the car but if I can't see anything then what's the point.
I will sit right here in the back window THANKYOUVERYMUCH.

La la la la la. I have the best seat in the house.

The back window is nice but I think there is more action in....

the front window right in front of the steering wheel! I LOVE the freeway!

That woman wouldn't let me sit on the dash in front of her simply because she's mean. DOESN'T SHE KNOW WHO I AM? I'll show her who's boss...

Nothing to see here....just..passin by....

HA! I sat on her head. And for good measure I bit her head. But then I felt bad so I gave her a shampoo and tried to give her an updo, but she was carrying on telling me that this was dangerous. Dangerous? PFT! Danger is my middle name!

We stopped at this place that I'd never seen before but I'm pretty sure I knew what it was. It was a beauty spa. I haven't had my nails painted black or had my goatee trimmed in forever, so this was going to be tres chic!

When we walked inside I tried to tell the woman that I would have "the works". I thought it would be cool to have a hot stone massage, mani & pedi, shampoo,, creme rinse, trim...and maybe when I was finished she could pick me up at the pool if I wasn't gettin' busy. (if ya know what I mean!)

For some reason they kept calling me Lorenzo. I kept telling them that my name was Dave, but they acted like they'd never heard of me. I had to gain some control of this bunch of people so I ran in to the first room I could find and I peed all over the cabinet. I have such good aim that I peed right in the middle of the doors and I managed to get some inside the cabinet, too. I ROCK!

Someone came in and wrapped me in a blanket. Yay! Fun time has started at last! "I prefer tepid water and I'd like to request....hey, hold up. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I DON'T WANT TO GO IN TO A CAGE! This is no better than being stuffed in to a purse! THIS SUCKS. GET ME OUT OF HERE."

I guess my private room wasn't too bad. It was a two room suite with a private bathroom and a wet bar.

I had a pretty cool neighbor. He didn't have too much to say, but it was nice to have company.

These jokers were across the street. They par-tayed 24/7. They never sat still. We exchanged digits and the next time they are in the hood they're going to drop by. I know Ashleigh and the kids will love them.

It seemed like I was never going to get my turn at the spa so I just hung out and shot the breeze with my peeps. After I'd been there for about 2 hours someone finally came in and got me. I was all ready for my treatment and do you know what happened? I'll tell ya what happened! Someone lifted up my tail and stuck a thermometer where the sun don't shine. What kind of a beauty spa does something like that? I made a huge ruckus and they took it out. They tried to sweet talk me but no dice. Nobody is going to do that to me and live to tell the tale. The last thing I remember was plotting their demise....

I woke up and I was kind of groggy. Wow, what a nap. I didn't even remember falling asleep. I tried to get up and stretch but I couldn't really feel my hind legs. I must have slept funny. I gave my legs a minute or two to get with the program and I thought I'd take a quick bath. And THAT is when I discovered MY TESTICLES ARE GONE. Just like that! I go to sleep and they are there right where they belong and I wake up and they are gone. Oh. MY. God. I am NEVER going to this stupid beauty spa again. I never got my mani & pedi, I do NOT like the food they serve and I take a nap, wake up and my nads are missing. I think I'm going to write a strongly worded letter to someone.*

This is from Tami:
*Dave is no longer speaking to me so I will finish this post....
This is Dave sitting on the floor of my car, between my feet peering up at me from the hole in the steering wheel. The hole he tried to climb through when I was driving.

As I write this Lorenzo is one week post op. He's doing just fine and the surgery didn't slow him down one bit.



Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ahhh poor Uncle Daddy Lorenzo Dave!
Hopefully he enjoyed his driving lessons!
Once we got Anna fixed, she became a much sweeter more mellow kitty... maybe Lorenzo will return to the marshmellow powder puff he was as a kitten.

3:54 PM  
Blogger Margaret said...

Snip Snip.

I love stories of Lorenzo...I mean Dave...I mean Lorenzo. Whoever.

p.s. - Lorenzo/Dave - don't trust "that lady" to EVER put you in that purse. Chances are - it won't be good.

4:36 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home