Dave's lost weekend

A while back I was away from home for the weekend and when I got home I did my usual greeting to my kitties, "Hello Kitties...did you miss me?" 6 of my 9 fur children come running towards me and try to trip me by circling around my feet and brushing up against my legs. Elijah is hiding behind the toilet as usual and Nort is under the bed. Lorenzo sometimes doesn't greet me upon my arrival because he doesn't hear me come in. I can usually find him sleeping in close proximity to wherever Elijah is because it it Lorenzo's goal in life to lord over Elijah. Since Elijah was in the bathroom I figured Lorenzo would be asleep on my pajamas that I always leave on the counter...but he wasn't there. I went to my bedroom and found Lorenzo laying on my pillow...I said, "Renzo, hey buddy...what's up?"

A gravely voice answered.." Why are you calling me Lorenzo? I am Dave, and I'd appreciate it if you could keep it down. I have a nasty hang nail and your voice is making it worse."

Me:
"Oh, Dave, long time no see. Sorry about the hang nail..let me go get my clippers and I'll cut it off for you",


Dave:
"YOU CAN CUT OFF MY HANG NAIL? SERIOUSLY?.. I've never heard of such a thing...um, where do you cut it?


I went and got the nail clippers and returned to Dave but as soon as he saw the clippers he curled his toes underneath him and said, "What are you doing with those implements of torture? I don't need a trim. You can put those things away!"


Me:
"You told me that you had a hang nail and I told you I was going to cut it off...now let me see your toes...."


Dave:
"I don't have a hang nail on my TOES~!"


Me:
"Well then...where do you keep your hang nails?"


Dave:
"Right where everyone else keeps them...in my head...in my stomach..DUH!"


Me:
"You have a hang nail in your head and stomach?"



Dave:
"Yes, now stop making so much noise and get me an Alka Seltzer.. I hear that should help my hang nail. "



Me:
"Alka Seltzer for a hang nail?" Pause...pause.."Dave, do you mean that you have a hang OVER?"


Dave:
"YES. Hang nail, hang over? What's the difference? All I know is that I have a huge headache and you are making too much noise..."



Me:
"So what did you do while I was gone? How did you get a hang over?"



Dave:
"Well, I found the stash of nip you had in the entertainment unit and I chewed and scratched on the plastic bag until I got it opened. Then I took a couple of whiffs and then I rolled around in it and I don't remember too much after that. I think someone took my picture.. I THINK I had a good time but I don't really remember much. Now can you get me something for my hang nail?"



I went to the kitchen to see what I could get Dave for his aches and pains and that's when I found these:

Me:
"DAVE...it looks like you were the life of the party..."

Dave:
"Yeah, well 'party' has always been my middle name..."

Me:
"Why do you have plastic wrap on your chest?"

Dave:
"Huh? Oh, cool...looks like I got a new tat!"

Me:
"Can I see it?"

Dave:
"Sure. I'm kinda curious as to what it says myself!"

I pulled the plastic off and looked at the tat...

Me:
"Who is Angel? And why are you wearing a wedding ring?"


Dave:
"OHMYGOD...THAT'Swhy my cell has been ringing off the hook... it's all coming back to me...I got married. Angel is my wife!!

Me:
"Well, mazeltov, dude. Who is this Angel gal?"

Dave:
"She is this awesome girl I met at the party. Some people think she is vicious but I think I can handle her juuuust fine. I thought there was a picture of her in that stack..look through them again...."

And that is when I saw Dave's beloved Angel...




TO BE CONTINUED