I can't believe anyone would want to read this
The adventures of a gainfully employed, divorced, 50 year old, vegetarian, twin, Jackson Browne loving, two time breast cancer surviviving, step mother, who is probably going to wind up being the crazy lady in the mobile home park who knits matching sweaters and tams for her herd of cats.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Dress Up Swan Song
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Hi! I'm cute. I know how to drink water out of a bowl and I'm getting really good at making my Uncle Daddy scared when I hop sideways. I peed on Andrew last night. I'm so funny!
"Livestock, Mind Bending & Live Music" or "My Night At the OC Fair"
Last week I was on my way home from work and I got caught in traffic on the 55 freeway. The traffic was caused by the concert that was scheduled for the Orange County Fair later that evening. I had read that Chris Daughtry and his band were going to be there so I decided to stay in the traffic and go to the fair and see if I could get a last minute ticket to the concert. Besides I'd never been to the Orange County Fair and I thought it would be a good distraction to the chaos going on in Fleaville, uh, rather, my house.
Even though I paid for regular parking I was able to park right outside of the gate. (I later found out that the amphitheater was on the opposite side of the park, but for the time being I thought I had a wonderful parking spot!) The lady at the ticket booth told me that the band had just released their tickets back to the booth and I got to choose from a handful of awesome seats. I chose the seat in the 3rd row after the orchestra pit, dead center. I got my ticket for the fair included with the ticket for the concert all for $29.00. Quite the bargain considering I buy most of my concert tickets on eBay.
I meandered around the fair for a while. It was a beautiful summer night. I didn't even need a sweater.
I saw blond cows, pink and black pigs, goats, huge rabbits, tiny rabbits, turkeys, and sheep.I asked this young lady, "Have you any wool? I have a friend in Texas who would certainly like to knit it up in to something pretty for her niece in Alaska who is still pending." She said, "No, I have no wool but I do have this cool Hawaiian Lycra one piece bathing suit. Would you like to go swimming with me?"
Sorry but I had to take a pass on that. I didn't want my hair to be messed up when Chris Daughtry spied me from the stage and fell in love with me.
I walked around until I found something that I wanted to eat. There was no lack of food available however since I do not eat meat that eliminates about 98% of the food offered. I settled on a vegetarian burrito but I had to eat it with out anything to drink. Apparently Pepsi Co. made the OC Fair Food vendors a deal they couldn't pass up because most of them were serving Pepsi and this Diet Cokeaholic will not drink Pepsi. After I ate my burrito I found the wine tasting patio. There was a man with a guitar singing Jimmy Buffet tunes so I figured that this was the fair gods telling me that I was supposed to hang out there for a while. Unfortunately by the time I got my $6.00 plastic dixie cup of Merlot the singer was finished for the night. So there I sat just me and my wine. The wine was pretty gross for having been an award winner so I threw it away after only drinking a couple of sips.
As I walked out of the patio I saw a crowd of people gathering at a small stage area so I went to see what was going on. IT WAS A HYPNOTIST SHOW!! I LOVE hypnotist shows! I had recently seen a snippet of a show on You Tube where someone was hypnotized in to thinking that he was Ricky Martin and it was pretty funny. I hoped this show would be as good. There were many, many people packed in to this little arena and all of the seat were filled. This is one of the few times that being a small person comes in handy because I just made my way through the crowd and sat on the grass in between the two sections of benches. I had the best seat in the house! I think I was the only one in the pavilion who didn't want to be hypnotized. When the hypnotist asked for volunteers to come up on stage everyone from 6 year olds to 86 year olds were raising their hands. Once the show got going the hypnotist had one big guy thinking that there was a mean dog under his seat and the only thing he could do to console himself was to jump out of his seat and skip around singing the "I love you, you love me", Barney song. He had another guy who would jump out of his seat, swat his own behind and say, "Who's your daddy?", and when he did that his neighbor would slap him on the behind and say, "I'M your daddy!". There were a couple of girls who thought that their butts kept falling off and they would have to run around the stage to find their butts and reattach them. There were guys with tattoos who thought their tattoos were biting them. There were dance contests and air guitar players...it was really fun. The very best part was at the very end as he was telling the hypno-tees that they would not be embarrassed over anything they did that night...he also told them that for the rest of their life they would never, ever get behind the wheel of a car if they had been drinking. I hope that post-hypnotic suggestion worked, and if so I think every bartender in the world should utilize it in their daily work routine.
The hypnotist show ended just in time for me to go to the concert. When I got inside the amphitheater I was shocked to see how enthusiastic the crowd was. I was very surprised to see how many men were there and you could tell that they were there enjoying the concert not just escorting their wives or girlfriends.
Chris Daughtry put on a very good show. He plays to the crowd by hitting his signature high notes that seem to come from the depths of his soul. He threw many of his water bottles out to the crowd and his guitar player tossed at least 15 guitar picks out, too. I'm happy to report that Chris Daughtry is every bit as good looking in person as he was on American Idol. I think they need to do a recount!
When the crowd was not standing...this was my view.
How is it that I am always the lucky one who gets to sit behind the water polo goalie or the starting line backer? It never fails!
Monday, July 23, 2007
Bath Time part deux
The day after I wrote the previous post the 2nd grey kitten crossed the rainbow bridge. At this point I closed and locked the gate that lead to the bridge. I had to take drastic measures to get on top of the flea problem that was plaguing my house and my fur children. I somehow convinced my sister to come all the way out from Riverside to take Ashleigh, Uncle Daddy and the 3 remaining kittens to a groomer. This story is actually very long and eventful but I will shorten it as much as I can. My sister and her kids put the kittens in the stroller and figured that Ashleigh would gladly go where ever her babies went. Not so. Apparently Ashleigh scratched my niece to smithereens and little did we know that she was just getting started. It took a while but they managed to get her and Lorenzo in to the stroller. Then they loaded the stroller in to the back of the truck and were on the road like a herd of turtles. I was at work in a seminar while this was going on. I had sent Tori the address of the groomer and she got a Mapquest map with driving directions. So, as I sit in the very quiet seminar room...my cell phone starts to buzz. I answered it as quietly as I could. It was my niece. She needed my address and drivers license number because she was filling out forms at the vet. The vet? I figured that maybe the groomer shared space with a vet. I whispered the requested info and went back to my seminar. The cell phone buzzed again the instant I put it in my purse. This time it was the groomer. "Hi, This is Noah's Ark Grooming. Aren't you going to bring your kitties in this morning?" I paused for a second and whispered..."My sister is bringing them in...and she just called and said that they were there and they were filling out paper work." The groomer told me that they had two locations and maybe they had gone to the other location by mistake. I told her that I'd call my sister and try to find out exactly where she was. I dialed my sister's number and, of course, no one answered. As soon as I put my phone back in my purse...it was buzzing again. "You're in the wrong place", I whispered in the form of a greeting. "We're in the wrong place", my niece said not hearing what I had said. "Where are you?", I asked. "We're at the vet but we're right around the corner from the groomer." Annnnndddd...we'regood! Right? I put the phone back in to my purse...1 second. 2 second...BBBBUUUZZZZZ. "Hello? This is Noah's Ark Grooming. You re kitties are here, they were at the vet's office down the street. I just didn't want you to worry." Ok, now that everyone was where they belonged the mystery was solved and I could get back to my seminar. BBBBBUUUUUZZZZZZZ. Me,(still whispering)..."hello?" "AUNTIE, HAVE ASHLEIGH OR LORENZO HAD ANY OF THEIR SHOTS?" "no, bek, they've never been to a vet or a groomer. ok?" "OK, AUNTIE. MAN,I HATE ASHLEIGH. SHE HAS SCRATCHED ME SO MUCH..MY ARMS.." I attempted to whisper but I had to raise my voice which caused me to have to get up and walk out of the seminar.."I'm so sorry Ashleigh scratched you. But now that you guys are in the right place I need to let you go so I can pay attention to the seminar." click.
2 minutes later; BBBUUUZZZZZ. "hello?" "AUNTIE, HOW DO YOU SPELL HUNTINGTON?" "ohmygodrebekah...you spell it with an H. just ask your mom.. ok?" "OK, SORRY AUNTIE."
5 minutes later...BBBBUUUZZZZZ. "hello?" "THIS IS NOAH'S ARK PET GROOMING. THE BABIES ARE ALL WASHED AND THEY ARE DOING JUST FINE." "ok. thank you."
5 minutes later...BBBUUUUZZZZ. "hello?" It was my sister. If she asks me how to spell 'Huntington' I'm going to hang up on her.. "Ashleigh won't let the groomer get her wet so we walked her down to the vets office. The vet was examining her and Ashleigh scratched the vet so deep that he's bleeding purple arterial blood. Anyway he said that he can either sedate Ashleigh and then give her a flea dip and you will have to separate her from the babies for the next 24 hours and it will cost you about $125.00, or he can give her an Advantix treatment and you will have to separate her from the babies for the next 24 hours but this will only cost you about $50.00. I think it would be best to give her the Advantix and plus it's cheaper that way, but I wanted to know what you wanted to do..."
They wanted to separate her from her 3 week old babies? She was still furiously and mournfully trying to locate the two babies that died and now someone wanted me to purposely separate her from her remaining 3 babies? URGH! By now I felt so bad for everyone involved that I just wanted to say 'forget it!', however if I had said that then everything they had all gone through so far would be for naught. So I agreed on the Advantix treatment, although now in hindsight I see where it might have been easier on everyone if Ashleigh had been sedated and wasn't able to cry and call out to her babies once they all got home.
When I got home from work that night I was greeting by 3 fluff balls and a gloriously clean and bright white Uncle Daddy.
They were all exhausted from their big day at the beauty parlor.
Then I saw Ashleigh.
It was pretty obvious that she hated me and the horse I rode in on.
She was incarcerated in the big dog kennel and she was not one bit happy. Everyone else was sleeping like kings on the couch and she was stuck in a cage. A dog cage.
I did my best to spend time with her but she was far too busy plotting my death to entertain the likes of me. When ever I would relent and leave her alone she would start crying this deep guttural cry. How sad do you think it was when her babies didn't react because they couldn't hear her? I don't think she knows they have a hearing deficit. Once they all woke up and mom wasn't there they set out to find her. They were able to find her with no trouble but for some reason they didn't even try to get in to the kennel even though they could have easily fit between the bars. They chose to sit on the outside of the cage wailing while Ashleigh sat on the inside of the cage wailing.
My sister had bought powdered kitten milk so I mixed up a batch and tried to feed it to the babies. They made it perfectly clear that that stuff didn't smell or taste anything like their mama and they'd rather starve that let even a drop of it dribble down their tiny little gullets. Lorenzo on the other hand was acting as though I had liquid gold in the dropper and he was doing everything in his power to get near it. He was knocking babies over and pretty much flinging them out of the way. He was possessed! After failing at even getting the babies to lick a little bit of it off of their noses I relented and just let Lorenzo and Ashleigh drink it. Uncle Daddy Pig Dog actually burped when he was finished devouring his share.
By about 10:00 that night the kittens had decided that there were actually hungry enough to eat what was being served. It is amazing how quickly those tiny bellies fill up. Andrew gets the blue ribbon for being the best kitten wrangler in the house. He figured out how to pick them up so they wouldn't wiggle and then make them drink without letting the kitten milk run down their chin. While I was doing my best to do what he was doing Andrew put his kitten down and went running in to the kitchen. He came back with a soaking wet kitten who had apparently decided to take a swim in the water bowl. I am very happy to announce that our very own "Thorpedo" didn't inhale any water and was just fine after it was dried off. (apparently he told his siblings of his adventures at the water park because by the next day all 3 of them were trying their hand at drinking water out of the bowl. Here it is 4 days later and they still have a bit of a problem with knowing just how far stick their head in the bowl.)
The trauma of the baths and the Advantix seperation is behind us. Lorenzo is feisty as ever. Ashleigh has been down right pleasant and the babies have learned how to chase and play and it's the cutest thing I've ever seen. They like to pummel and tumble and swat at each other then in the middle of all the fun they just doze off.
PS I didn't mention that when the fur children were out at the groomers/vet...Andrew stayed home and set off a flea bomb in the house. So we should be flea free for at least a couple of weeks. Then Ashleigh and Lorenzo will be getting an Advantix treatment.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
One day everyone is fat, happy and healthy and the next day a kitten dies. Yesterday I when I came home from work Andrew told me that one of the grey babies had died. The previous night it was obvious that there was something wrong with it. It was very lethargic and didn't want to attempt to eat or cuddle with it's siblings. And then now today the other grey baby is no longer using it's hind legs. Ashleigh is still taking care of all of the babies but for some reason the white babies are all thriving and the grey ones are not. I have done everything I can think of to aid the remaining grey child. I went to Pet Smart and bought kitten milk replacement. The baby had no interest in it at all, however Lorenzo and Ashleigh both went nutty coo coo as soon as they smelled it. Lorenzo chewed on the nipple of the bottle and then Ashleigh tore it clean off. The grey baby is still nursing but Ashleigh has better things to do than sit still and feed her family. The white babies are so much bigger and stronger and they just kick the little one to the curb. I took the white ones away from Ashleigh for a few minutes so the little one could get a bit of a head start and just when things were looking good Ashleigh decided that she needed to get up and roam around the room.
So, if you find yourself with a spare moment please say a prayer that the baby who passed away yesterday has found it's way to Jennifer and Muffin, and also pray that the remaining grey baby will get some strength and fight the good fight until it can utilize it's hind legs.
Kitten relocation Jakey style....
(This was at Tori's house with Anna's kittens, not at my house with Ashleigh's kittens.)
Jakey was playing with the kittens and he was dragging them all over the house. Mother and I kept telling him to put them back with their mama. Of course he would not listen. This went on and on all weekend. One time he had a kitten wrapped up in his shirt and I told him that he needed to put the kitten back with it’s mama so it could stay warm. I didn't watch him and I assumed that he had put it back in Hannah’s room. A little while later I heard a very muted “mew?” I looked at Mother and she looked at me. I heard another “mew?” and it wasn't coming from the room where the kittens were supposed to be.It sounded like it was coming from the bonus room which is totally opposite of where the kittens were supposed to be. I walked toward the bonus room and as I was opening the door I heard “mew?” again. I looked down and discovered that Jake had put the kitten inside Hannah’s pink Ugg boot that was in the living room closet. It was pretty much stuffed in there. Since I pick my battles I decided that I was happy that Jake had put the kitty in the boot face up.
Friday, July 06, 2007
Hi Mom, are you doin a load of whites?
Skinny Bones Jones
When I was a senior in high school the dark blue jeans were my very favorite pants. They are size 0 Chemin De Fer jeans. They are sitting on top of my current size 8 jeans. Back in 1978 size 0 clothes were hard to come by so when my mom found these I thought she had struck gold.
I'm the 3rd one from the left. Yeah, with the goofy hair, standing on my toes.
I weighed 89 lbs and had 0% body fat. I also had very low blood pressure. I thought those were both very healthy situations until my doctor told me that if a paramedic were to take my blood pressure and see how low it was...the paramedic would pull the sheet over my head.
I have been thin all of my life. I only weighed 4 lbs when I was born. They didn't make preemie baby clothes back then so my dad went out and purchased doll clothes for my twin sister and I to wear home. The little shoes were made out of satin and had cardboard soles. You'd have to know how much my dad hated to shop in order to know how special that story is.
When I was in grade school my mom made a lot of our clothes. She made my dad's "Ace Hardware" vest, she made dresses and pants. She even made us bathing suits one year. This was all well and good until the sewing revolution that rocked the world in the late 60's came to our house. It was called "Stretch & Sew" and this method of sewing enabled sewers of all abilities to sew any garment they wanted...as long as it was made out of double knit polyester. Even as a 9 year old I had to draw the line. I hated polyester with a venomous hatred that I still harbor to this day. I made the mistake of telling my mother that I didn't want her to make my clothes anymore. She took this request very seriously and wouldn't make me something even if I asked. I had to go back to wearing clothes that didn't fit. If I could find a pair of pants that fit in the waist then they were a foot too long. If I found pants that were the right length...Tori and I could fit in to them at the same time. I tried to renege and asked my mom to resume making my clothes but just not out of polyester. Nope. That door was closed.
As I got older and more fashion conscious it became harder and harder to find clothes that fit. When I was a teenager I simply did not want to be buying my clothes in the Winnie The Pooh section and I was not tall or heavy enough to shop in the Juniors section. It was a happy day in the Wyatt house when draw string pants came on the scene. My mom relented and made all of us draw string pants. Tori and I had them in every color and style. She made us draw string shorts and I even had draw string "dress pants". Black satin. With pockets. Good times.
It was in the late 70's when I first heard the word "anorexic". Back then people just thought "anorexic" was a situation where you refused to eat and you lost weight. They didn't know it was a mental disorder and that people died from it. People thought nothing of asking me, "Are you anorexic?" "Why are you so skinny?" "Let me lift you up and see how light you are!" I remember asking my mom why people thought it was ok to say these things when no one would ever dream of walking up to an over weight person and saying, "Are you morbidly obese?" "Why are you so fat?"
This was a double edged sword. I could eat and eat until the cows came home but still not gain a pound. Carbs, candy and starch were my best friends. I was fool hearty enough to think that I was going to be thin for my entire life. I hated my body. I was short. I was skinny. I was bony. Clothes didn't fit.
And then I turned 30. It seemed like the minute I turned 30 everything I put in my mouth caused me to gain weight. I went straight from being too thin to being too fat. My skinny minnie ankles were suddenly replaced with cankles. Is there no justice in this world? I went to bed last night and all was well but when I woke up this morning I was walking around on my grandmothers legs! "Waiter? I'd like to return this...this isn't what I ordered. I wanted the long legs, not the log legs."
At my heaviest I weighed closed to 150 lbs. Nothing fit me. If I found pants that fit in the waist they were a foot too long. If I found pants that fit in the length then the waist was enormous. Does that sound familiar? When I was thin I had no perspective. I have perspective all over the place these days and I have to say that I'm glad I've found a happy medium. I'm a teeny bit heavier than I want to be but I'm not even near 150 lbs. nor am I teetering on 89 lbs. I'm ok in my body. My weight is fine.
And that's the way I like it, uh huh, uh huh.
Now if I could just get my eyebrows to be on the same level...
Thursday, July 05, 2007